My life with diabetes

As most of you know I am a type 1 diabetic.  I have not always had diabetes this came as a shock when I was around 22 years old.  When I was seventeen I was hospitalized with Guillain Barre Syndrome.  Basically my immune system was attacking parts of my nervous system.  I was in ICU for about three weeks and could not walk.  I had a very mild case in regards to how serious it can get.  Then when I was in college I just didn't feel right.  I was eating a ton but losing weight like crazy....this was nice but I knew something was wrong.  I was also thirsty ALL the time and I was getting up to use the restroom and eat about 5-10 times a night.

I came home had some blood work done and bam I'm a diabetic.  They think it was caused by the Guillan Barre.  Now I know that diabetes is not a death sentence by any means but it does throw your world into a tail spin.  Gordon and I were dating at the time and he was so supportive and wanted to go down this road with me.  He knows just about as much as I do about this disease.  I knew that Gordon was the one and that one day I wanted to have children with him.  I have always wanted to be a mom and have a big family.  When I was diagnosed with diabetes all I could think about was the movie Steel Magnolias (which by the way is my favorite movie...ironic much?).  The one question on my mind was can I have children. 

As all of you know the answer to that question was YES!!!!! Thank goodness because I can't imagine life without my Jaxon in it.  Yes, that was the name of the little boy in Steel Magnolias but that's not why he was named that just in case your were wondering. HA  So with all that being said that brings me to the real reason behind this post.  I am in constant fear that my child will get this disease.  Any time he has something that resembles a diabetic symptom I freak.  So, yesterday I took him in for lab work.  I felt like such a bad mom that I would put my child through that just to ease my mind.  I know that even if these test results come back fine we are still not in the clear but I also know his risk is not that much higher than that of a child of parents without diabetes.  The guilt still weighs very heavy on my heart.  I know how difficult this disease can be and I would never want to pass that burdon on to Jaxon.  It's horrible to have to think of every little thing you put into your mouth and what it will do to you numbers.  I test before each meal and two hours after each meal and any time I just don't feel right.  That adds up very quickly sometimes up to 10 times a day.  Plus having this thing attached to me 24/7 that gives me insulin all the time.  I'm not having a pity party for myself because I can handle it.  I just don't want my child to have to handle it. 

I have just had so many thoughts running through my mind lately with Jaxon being sick all the time.  I am always questioning everything that I do.  I know that it is normal for a mother to worry about her child but I don't want to live in fear.  I guess the reason I did this post was just as an outlet.  I know some people are extremely private and think I'm crazy for sharing as much as I do on here but it just helps to get it out.  Also, this is my story and my life and I want it written down somewhere for me to reflect on one day.  I will take the good with the bad because I know it could always be much worse.  Sorry for the long post my mind is just working overtime!!